"women aren't funny"

my wife's hilarious. my wife has made me laugh harder than almost any other human being.. she's not a good stand up, she's never even tried to do comedy, but she's hilarious just naturally. in conversation, she has the self-control of a one-liner writer without the need for notes or repetition. she holds out the right words, lays back in conversation and lets a din build between the other participants, and hammers tags once a rhythm is built, and does all the other “mechanical” things that a truly great comic talent does.

i don't mention that to say "there are funny women because i know one woman that i personally think is funny." i don't think anyone thinks that "women can't be funny." i think the usual thought, even in the most closed-minded he-man woman-hater is "women aren't great standups," which also isn’t true, but the statistical difference between 1 group being the minority having such a vast majority of the great comic mouths/output, and 1 group being the majority and being relegated to almost novelty status in the arena of comedy.

men are more often the "great" standups because men are horrible to look at and unless they're lucky enough to be gay, they devote every moment from age 8 until they're dead to getting women to touch their penises with their hands or mouths or thighs or whatever it is the man is after: a feat that can usually only be accomplished by making a woman laugh. men are forced by nature and polite society to be funny.

in skilled hands, funny has ended slavery, funny shames rapists, funny shines sunlight on all evil and the focuses the magnifying glass of collective opinion onto it until it burns away leaving the charred remains of human ego behind... but funny is also incredibly selfish and individual-focused, which brings me to the next point...

women are more evolved, and funny is only a focus for a person that is damaged in some really fundamental way. funny is not feeding the homeless or clothing the clothesless, it's just funny. in the enlightened human: comedy is just a vestigial tail, and funny is the way that tail once wagged. we won't see that enlightenment in this lifetime, and personally i'm glad for it, because i kind of like giggling at dick and twat jokes. that said; if i ever meet someone from the future, it'll be the hardest thing ever to explain to them what comedy is and why we still do it.

action movie with a gay dude that’s not a minstrel show about gay dudes

how to write an action movie with a gay focal character without making his gayness part of the story or film...

imagine die hard. he talks to or about his wife, who he's having troubles with and/or is fully seperated from, or whatever... spoiler alert: i haven't seen all of them and i only saw the 2nd one from the middle... the dude could be a die hard guy. he could be at the end of his cop-rope or detective rope or personal trainer rope if you want to make it more "believable" for soft-homophobes, then he's on his way home with roses or kenny rogers roasters or a new lathe if we want to make his never-seen-on-screen bro-man-lover kind of butch, too... then BAM he's thrown into a hostage scenario in the small florida panhandle town credit union building where all the rednecks store their prepper-gold they bought when limbaugh and that one fox news guy that’s not on fox news anymore were like "this shit's the best! it's fucking gold, bro!" and they all did that shit because the one jew they ever liked was milton friedman so they're going to be broke forever while they wait for the rocks they traded their lifesavings for become valuable again the next time some right wing asshole tells everyone to buy gold...

then the gay-hero, or gayro(registered trademark. i called it.) for short, especially if he's into Mediterranean food and spooning with a dude, is all like "oh no, i can't let these folks lose their lifesavings" and then it’s suspenseful action movie time as the rest of the plot is slowly revealed that it’s not just a regular-ass gold heist, it’s some other thing entirely and he saves the day completely out of neccessity and then he goes home and his bro isn’t home. his bro’s somewhere else. he’s a hero, and his bro’s not there to talk it out and crack open a modelo especial with. he’s all alone, but he’s the hero.

now THAT is how you write a die-hard movie. OH, AND CARL FROM FAMILY MATTERS HAS A WALKY TALKY. sorry, i was excited. yeah, that dude’s there and he’s not a cop, he’s just a dude with a walky talky and he keeps the cops from rushing in cuz he’s like “YOU CAN’T DO THIS, YOU HAVE TO TRUST MY BUDDY IN THERE!”

and THAT is how you die harderer than die hard ever died.

it’s called “this movie is going to be awesome, look at these explosions in the trailer and let’s end our prejudices together.”

it hit me earlier today when i was discussing obamacare that if mitt romney had won we would have had the original 100% version of obamacare instead of the GOP congress version... and it made me kind of wish i hadn't phonebanked for obama's 2nd term...

because trump wouldn't have been a thing. ever. he just would have shut up after the whole birther truther thing won romney the election... or he would have run on the DNC ticket this time and romney/ryan would have run a train on his ass. a democrat candidate literally, not just talking about it, but really sexually assaulting women? on a regular basis for decades? partying with convicted sex offenders and currently awaiting a hearing on a very specific rape case involving a 13 year old girl? that dude would have been murdered by the christian right.

also his border fixation certainly could have been spun as a concern for union labor or average living expenses, and he could have bitched about overpopulation instead of saying racist stuff and it would have come off as vaguely left-leaning in some regard. not left leaning, but definitely close enough for the dnc.

besides that, most of what he espouses is reagan/clinton/clinton oligarchic top-down socialism-for-the-rich, so he's basically hillary in terms of policy.

either way, i really just hate right wing talk radio for letting this dude happen. they were just goofing around about psychic vampires and chemtrails and steel beams and vaccines and the international bankers and lizards and zionism and kenya and ancient aliens and every 6 to 9 months they get a bug in their bonnet about gold prices skyrocketing and everyone buy buy buy gold and it's supposed to be funny because it was always so transparent, but it's not really funny because it hurts real people. real people were fooled by it, and didn't just listen to it for entertainment purposes.

they believed it for real, because they needed something to believe in. they don't have gods anymore in any meaningful way. they don't have any belonging to community anymore.

now, they've joined this elite and special club of people that know better than what "the media" reports. they believe trump's rape trial is all "made up," if they know about it at all. they're among friends. they've willfully suspended disbelief in something bigger and surrounded by more gold than themselves. it's fitting that he used to own the teen usa pageant: the most depressing gods often requested virgin sacrifices. epstein was just paying tribute.

if you're a trump supporter, i don't blame you for hating hillary. i get it. you've heard about emails and benghazis and ashtrays flung across limos for so long, with such frequency, and in tones that convey such levels of importance that there's no way you'd think it was just stuff that happens. she must be bad. i mean, she is bad, but not for the reasons they say she is. she’s bad for the reasons we hate the old piddle-fart in middle management that won’t retire and get out of everyone’s way. she’s bad for the reasons non-human primates and human primates alike hate seeing work unfairly rewarded. she’s bad because she’s a lady donald trump. she had to work harder to get there, and she’s vastly more qualified, and she’s smarter, and she’s nicer, and she’s more controlled, and she’s never raped ivanka trump, but she’s rich beyond most people’s wildest dreams, and most of it was donated by people that just need her to play ball for like a minute so they can 2001-2007 us into buying big-ass overpriced overborrowed houses so they can by big-ass overpriced overborrowed bombs again. they miss it, so they set up 2 options. first female president. big fucking whoop. second radical leftist president? now i’m listening... and i’ll let you guess who the first one was.

tiny trucks

it's still amazing to me that more of the small pickup truck market hasn't been dominated by a front engine front drive platform. they exist; in small production numbers, and only for european or japanese markets, but they exist. the benefits are plenty.

1. the design allows for an incredibly low bed floor without sacrificing ground clearance, making it easy to load without lifting stuff above your head.
2. the assembly is so affordable that if you take into account the lack of back seats, rear/side airbags, etc. it could be cheaper than the hatch/coupe versions of the same model. a honda fit coupe utility could be, with tax/title/docking/undercoating/floormats in LX trim with backup camera and the bluest teeth you ever did see, like $15k.
3. a marketing effort would be super fucking easy. a truck that's not for "truck guys." the pitch writes itself.

style: “goofus and gallant” back and forth style between a guy fieri looking douchebag with a lifted crewcab f250 and the cool young professional in the marketed vehicle.

narration: over shot of goofus: "you're not towing a boat. you're not running cows to market." cut to gallant: "you're carrying a bike from your home in suburban hellscape sprawled out neighborhood to the trailhead in the woods, or your in-town apartment to commute during your workweek." shot of goofus's trucks polystyrene nuts hanging at about eye level from the rear bumper: "you do the same stuff all those other tarted up trucks do," cut to shot of modern futuristic dash in gallant's ride" but how about you get 40mpg instead of 8? how about you enjoy your driving experience" cut to a variety of stock films of pickups flipping "instead of slowing to a crawl before every corner to avoid tipping over?”

shot of goofus getting out of his truck, complete with hair gel and flame-print shirt and sunglasses backwards on his neck maybe holding a massive vape thingy: “yes, the rest of us are laughing at your big stupid truck behind your back so we don't hurt your big stupid feelings.”

cut to approaching shot of the little car/truck- on screen branding lettering etc. narrator final tag: the XYZ small car pickup name. if you aren’t getting a minivan or hatchback, and you’re finished pretending to be a big tough guy, we’re ready.

ok...

must. write. things.

how did this happen?

i didn't even realize this was a thing...

i think i typed something random into the title section when i was changing this blog link in my settings and it started an entirely new blog and i have no idea where my old one is...

kind of cool, actually.  now maybe i'll actually feel like doing something with this thing...